Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
