I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Randomize
