I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
