I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
