drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
