Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
