awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
