We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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