yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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