You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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