his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
