All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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