FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
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