You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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