I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
