thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
