why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I need moral support for this bender
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
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