phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Randomize
