New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
