You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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