My boss' voice literally gives me gas
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
