I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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