I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
