Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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