do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
