I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
