Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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