I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Randomize
