OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
