he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
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