I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
