It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
