it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
