He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
