I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
My vagina is officially offended.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
