in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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