my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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