You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
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