he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
