is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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