this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
