News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
i think i just lost a toe
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
