Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
