Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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