1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
