the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
