My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
