I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
