And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
