she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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